The Life Letters

Subject: chat
Written By A

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hey,

[a]
looking back i can see
> that in the moment of
> awareness that i was going to be a mother...i put
> all my perspective in
> regards to hope for the future into my child.
[e]
Biology does this : )
Don't worry; you just begin to learn from your
children, so they become 'a part of the quest'.

yes, you would think so...the difficulty i am having, is that i do not think i am supposed to be their 'caregiver' anymore. when i wrote the last letter...i was in the process of dealing with a foreign idea, the idea being that i was feeling boxed in. i was learning so much constantly, and to continue to do this, i realized i needed to make a choice....between myself and my children....what a pleasant week it has been, let me tell you. see, i actually _feel_different, when i am caring for them, almost like i am dying, even though it may not be 80 years to come to fruition, i can _feel_the little bits of dying, that lead to death. then there is the reason _why_ it even occured to me in the first place; it is the way i feel, when i am living as close to autonomous as possible. see, i actually feel alive, my body doesn't do things in the same way...as it used to. no matter if i choose to pursue living[self/genetic-actualization] or death[children/genetic transcription], i must seemingly release the opposite because they are contradictory in nature.
raising one's children is the optimization of many millenia of genetic coding. coding that starts out with survival in mind, survival, that by it's very structure, cannot be autonomous.
and then there's me, little fucking program me...and i feel different...about everything.
when i am autonomous, which i am when they are not with me, i feel everything, there are less and less distinctions between me and not me, sort of like a quantum computer...0=1,0=0,1=1 simultaneously, and i know that my survival is based on my own genetic self program...and no longer some outdated group genetic/biological program.
and yet, i feel as though if i do the things i think i can do, the greatest benefits to my children and myself, are to be found, versus if i hold on to my logic that says "i am an animal, whose genetic survival depends on the survival of my children."
which is not to say that i'm leaving my children to the wolves either. over the last week i have found that all my previous held notions of their father as a parent have been shattered and splintered into a million pieces of sand. my children prefer to spend time with him, and i don't blame them. he has become the parent that i was up until the last few months. he is what they need. honestly, i couldn't be prouder of him, nor more grateful they have him,...it is the oddest twist of fate, how much he has changed. i have seen myself over the last week as well, and i have paid for the knowledge i've gained, with one reality for another.
and your sentences above and below...could seemingly be made for him. the way he is learning and growing with his children...
so now i have caught you up, lets move forward.

[e]
But it doesn't matter, because having
kids enables you to trace back through your own
development by working with theirs, right?
...And the answer to this completely depends on
whether their father is interacting, or is giving
examples of action/reaction eg 'good girl/bad girl'
programming?

he is interacting, wholly, that is why they wish to be with him.

[a]
> what i'm learning now...is that my own intelligence
> needs it's own
> platform...to be able to recognize itself...
> and that...putting the future in the hands of my
> children....is
> thwarting...my own...maybe...
> alright...let's work through this : )
[e]
Mmm; sounds like some confusion over priorities...I
think that can be worked out, because really there
aren't any... : )

really? it must be nice : )

[e]
First of all drop the separation. Our successful
future is in the hands of intelligence. It doesn't
matter whose, because it's all 'us'; okay?
.... you can grow your own
intelligence right along with theirs by indulging in
the same pursuits; providing your own networks with
all the stuff they missed first time round!

my children are brilliant, m has been telling me messages, here and there since he was 3 mos in utero. and s can seemingly channel every animal on the planet...
my ancestors have been keyed into epigenetics in real ways for centuries now...my decision has real factors and real answers...i had needed your input...so i could figure the numbers. the above account, is what i have come up with.

> [a]
> > > first of all, i have to share custody with their
> > > father.
[e]
That's great as long as he's intelligent too. If he's
not, this is a problem you share with many. : )
One lesson to be learned is for the future -if you
ever decide to have more children,

he's learning...alot. and i don't care to have any more children.

[e]
and you can't find
a highly intelligent partner or get IVF, you can make
sure there's no way to prove legally who the father
is. This can be achieved at registration either by
saying 'don't know' or by inventing a non-existent
third party. If problems occur in the relationship
later, there is then no custody problem. Children
having different surnames or the surname of the non
existent party helps.
This trick is not so easy these days because of
DNA testing, but it's been used by some people I know
[to ascertain freedom of choice for the children; not
the adults]. Smart people will go to some stunning
lengths to protect intelligence : )

yes i know i have done them. my son has his name, my daughter mine, i figured that out the second time around.
he used to be such an indifferent ass. registering, how much he has changed, is a shock to my system. especially seeing it come about at the same time as this 'space' revelation.

[a]
>i also believe that children...when given
> the option, do have some
> very strong abilities to recognize...the platform
> they could best use in
> given moments...
[e]
Very much so...intelligence will always attempt to
unfold as it should.

there you have it then.
i don't know that the rest of the letter applies to this new information, i feel that what i have said above warrants a discussion.

thanks
a